Nicola, a question for you. I dont know if he will take me back this time I doubt it. She feels comfortable in chaos and dysfunction yet craves love and affection but at the same time pushes it away. I know this now to be switching. Dr. Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist who treats patients with BPD, explains: People with borderline feel empty, and they are always trying to . The myth of the nice-guy type as an unhealthy or codependent individual creates an easy way out of dealing a social problem that needs some very serious public attention. You might be able to stop the abuse by giving her doses of her own medicine, so she will think twice before doing it. Have to admit that I clearly saw along the way many things that were just not right, but for the sake of the relationship looked the other way. I am not a therapist and am in the process of winding down my teaching schedule with individuals. Though shes never given a mental health diagnosis in the movie, some believe Clem is a good representation of borderline personality disorder as well as the antithesis of the popular manic pixie dream girl (MPDG) trope. BPD is a complex and serious mental illness. We finally got together and she just reeled me in . Your not worth the financial convienience Thats because in a lot of ways she requires it. You are really good with them. Occasionally I snap back and suffer the consequences. She got both barrels from me earlier this week (via text) after she attempted a couple of silent treatments / broken promises to see if I would still bend to her will ! I cannot believe and still dont comprehend what has gone on. No matter what it left ous both in such pain that heart both of ous there was nothing easy about this new Im stoke cant fix anything this mixed up god lord I cant even hard reboot and start all over they wanted me to fall and her to stay in there control ! I hope my comment help some people. Brett: What do want me to do? He is a very smart and wise boy beyond his years and I firmly believe I made a positive difference in his life. JT, thanks for your story. I have been married to a BPD lady for 20 years. And she wanted me for so long!! I also see a therapist to handle parenting challenges that we have esp for my ADHD son. I been with her for 16 months and same accusations, lieing , no empathy , no compassion for others and only nice when is on the take ,slowly losing friends and family due to issues . Its so frustrating when you know your right but she will insist on something completely irrational. Making frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. I hope you can find some relief talking to others who have been through this. I tend to somewhat try to make my partner happy once a relationship of any magnitude has been established. We are mindset coaches and want to offer this content for the betterment of the BPD community. 3. As anyone would say, it was like walking on eggshells. Unfortunately, as you have mentioned, the only way to heal from one of these relationships is to find a way to make sense of your experience. I just gave up romantic love after getting involved with a woman with strong BPD traits. Terrible really.i do think and will have to just assume that she has BPD as it just simply not normal behaviour and everything points to this. But to say that all of us are immediately abusive is a generalization. If your wife was vomiting all night from cancer chemo, yelling at you because of the terminal illness, would you feel the same and want to leave her? In order for individuals like Laura, who suffer from symptoms of BPD, to enjoy optimal sexual intimacy and greater stability, she will have to learn to tolerate being alone. A lot of people think the way Bella acts is unrealistically dramatic, but I always thought Kristen Stewart captured quiet BPD, Mighty BPD community member Jimmy Humphries wrote. We met in the fall and spent the next four months together. I would recommend you go forward with your plan exactly as you stated it. Let's take a couple of famous women as exampl. One of the symptoms he displays most clearly is impulsive behavior. He is no longer happy but still sticks with me. Given every chance you can. The two exchanges above both reflect Jasmines insecurity in intimate relationships. He becomes convinced that she is simply mistaken about his intentions. Ive had one that would be very charitable with money and things to the needy etc, maybe this was a way to overcompensate for being emotionally selfish. I honestly think you are an absolute star Joanna, and you should get awards for this. The nice-guy type gets very high marks in the area of relationship safety and security. It is better be a wise guy and use the knowledge and wisdom you provide to detect and avoid women who do not have the necessary skills to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship. I am retired and act as full time house husband. Minor betrayals are by no means deal-breakers, but they can definitely ruffle our feathers and hurt our feelings. 1. Relationships generally dont change that quickly, particularly when one party is asleep. I feel that you are stereotyping people with bpd unfairly. As a note, not all the movies listed below show characters officially diagnosed with BPD or any mental illness. Your personal stuffs excellent. You understand therefore significantly in relation to this subject, made me personally believe it from a lot of various angles. Its almost as if they are so trained in manipulation, its become second nature due to their subconscious. So, should a nice guy such as me give up on such a relationship or should I learn these techniques really well and not worry about avoiding BPD partners too much? WE all have our faults. I am a decent human being but wont be a doormat to walk on , no I wasnt always perfect but I was pretty close to be being a good partner James, what you described is classic behavior, not for someone who has the disorder of BPD, but for a person who has the traits associated with the disorder. You will find that they will twist all arguments into being your fault and sometimes to the point of asking yourself am I really that stupid when it comes to women? But you will soon realize that if you address some of your flaws that are flaws but they are really overreacting to, they will jump on something else. In ablog on Flavorwire, Alison Herman wrote, As were taken through the lowlights of their relationship, the audience learns that the booze she pours into her coffee isnt an endearing quirk; its a sign of the drinking problem that led her to total Joels car. Because women with traits of BPD are not capable of withstanding any kind of betrayal, the nice-guy types ability to override selfish impulses and give to her consistently turns him into her perfect knight in shining armor. Here is another example. I often felt she is watching me when we are out in the pub or restaurant if I am looking at other girls etc. Usually I do not read writeup on blogs, nevertheless I wish to say that this writeup extremely forced me to take a look at and do so! To answer your question, its not that these women are blinded by their emotions when they move out of the idealization phase. Its going to be interesting to see if i have an update to this in future (as I have no reason this time to be in contact personally). Joanna Nicola is a consultant, developer of the Nicola Method for high conflict and author of The Nicola Method Workbook. I guess already going through a break up with this person desensitized me to the aftermath. These individuals can and often do create real harm for a partner who leaves. You can lead a great life with a sensitive, intense, hyperbolic or any temperament for that matter with hard work, grit, endurance, tenacity, and the willingness to get uncomfortable. Im glad to hear you are doing better with it these days. There is hope, just ask yourself how much of a man you are. I feel its important to tell my partner, Im having a problem & things dont look right in my mind. Now, that doesnt mean I overcome every emotion or BPD related thought or action. It appears you entered an invalid email. The consequences of the instinct to associate non-conforming behavior with contamination are very serious and can easily lead to violence towards minority groups or those who dont conform. Which ever way I turn is wrong. It has been recorded that in time, perhaps even after 10 years of . Michelle, this is a very difficult situation. The reason we call them nice guys is based on their ability to act nice even when they arent feeling at their best. Thank you Im truly sorry to all about all this but I will never love another more then I was in love with her ! When he decided it was time to go, it was all over. This also made her feel more stable. If you have your own porous boundaries, then seek a partner whose boundaries are more defined. Lets take a closer look at how the nice-guy/borderline connection can lock a healthy man into an unhealthy relationship. While it can seem like Hollywood either depicts BPD badly or not at all,there are actually movies some believe accurately depict symptoms people with BPD experience. She would rarely if ever take responsibility for what she did and/or said. This is really a time when a professional needs to be brought in to help you make the decisions you need to move yourself out of this situation. Very rebellious like does stuff out of spite. I dont even want to be married to you. If there is closeness, which is usually a goal of friendship, the same triggers will be set off as in a romantic relationship, although to a milder degree. Dissociating or having an out of body, disconnected from yourself-type feeling. And how much you decide to take from them is factored by your degree of natural co- dependency. Its all she knows growing up in a household like she did. The more in twined the lives are the more difficult and painful to get out. We even agreed to go slow. I have personally been mentally abused. Girl, Interrupted, though one of the more well-known books or movies about mental illness, is certainly not the only popular representation of mental illness out there, but it has, maybe more so than others, resonated deeply with young women. When we would go out for dinner ect she would try to force me to drink and get upset if I didnt. Not that she can recall much; her BPD-addled mind is chronically burdened with anxiety Many men report on reading the stories of others who have been through one of these relationships that they feel like they were involved with the same woman. but there will be very little intellectualizing involved. This article is completely unfair. hi Ive read a lot lately about women with BPD. Is there a time period post break up where she can see things differently? Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? However, nice guy that I am, I relented and said I wanted to be there for her through this tough period in her life. Were only a few months in, but so far, so good. Wonderful article! Part of me thinks she was just saying that to me to make me feel sorry for her and to keep me from leaving but the other part thinks she really meant it. It has been the most traumatic and awful experience of my life. People like her have no idea who they are and have not developed a strong sense of self which is why they often mirror the other persons personalityat least in the beginning.. Thanks Joanna Im struggling with the idea it may have been me cause my replacement is a nice guy type and their still together after 16 months..she jumped from me to the cheater to him in 4 weeks granted he is wealthier than me and it could be just the $$ since she wanted a free ride from me. Unstable relationships, fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, unstable identity, substance abuse its all there., Fatal Attraction has long been viewed as the absolute worst depiction of borderline personality disorder. Would that embarrassment be too great? Generally inversing the main gender tendency too! My problem is if I leave, the children will suffer. Yes, we feel, and we feel deeply. Your ideas really responded all our questions. I constantly fantasize about getting back together with her for exactly the reasons you state in the article. I am a woman with BPD and your article presents a vilification of people like me. Steve, you are in a very difficult position. Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Borderline Personality Disorder: Making "Wise Mind" Resolutions in 2023, Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. I accepted her apology and believed her. Both my husband and I were walking on eggshells with our daughter. If your perspective was accurate about all men, I could support your reasoning for staying emotionally disengaged from men. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Remember to spread the word that BPD/CPTSD/EUPD are all disorders that hurt, though that we can recover from with tenacity, patient endurance, and hard work! I think I dated the same woman,are you from Scotland by any chance? An onslaught of disrespectful raging,verbal abuse and fabricated accusations about our insensitivity to her needs left us speechless . I didnt mind. If you are struggling with borderline personality disorder and are in need of information and support, please call the National Alliance on Mental Illness at 1-800-950-6264. Or in my case of leaving my casual BPD situation last week, she [an initially innocent waif borderline type] was making enthusiastic plans to see me one week but a combination of her mother suddenly taking badly ill on top of working hard and being stressed, tbf meant that the commitment of having to see me became the LAST thing she wanted to do! once i notice a pattern i think i can never fix or make right again i have to leave. What a great description of a classic woman with traits of BPD. If you take a look at the forums for recovering individuals with BPD you will find they frequently state their belief that there is something wrong with their partners for loving them and suspicions that they may be using them or that they are about to betray or abandon them. We lived together for 3 years and dated for 1..her daughter hated me from day one and it just got worse..the break came after the daughter had a violent fit after I ate something she wanted (I didnt do it deliberately)..my ex argued we not break up but live apart till kids grow up and I agreed but said that if she felt as though it was working to be upfront and honest and break up as an adult..week later she broke up ..I had not heard from her in a week since moving out I am just recovering from a 3 year nightmare with a sweet looking girlfriend straight out of hell. You can do this by asking general questions, such as: Or you can do this indirectly by making inferences from vocal tone, body posture, and context, such as waking someone from sleep. Laura found that the hard work was well worth the payoff. She called me names, bastard,rat, emotional abuser, narcissist etc. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. Certainly the use of alcohol is something that I would say does not belong in the mix if you seriously expect to make making progress. I now just dont care and all my love I had has gone and just in the process of the break up , at the moment I feel I wont feel the heartache a lot of people feel as I not been the one in the wrong 95% of the time and tbh I really dont like her anymore as she is just a not very nice person , so hopfully wont feel to much pain and she dont cause me to much grief as the end is near . PostedJanuary 10, 2022 Baylie shares her own personal story with borderline personality disorder, substance use, love addiction, and the importance of addressing her trauma through treatment in addition to sharing about the. It isnt surprising knowing what she went through growing up with such dysfunctional parents. So please do continue the conversation, but remember that it is always best to be well informed, caring, firm, kind, understanding and consistent. I'm the Mental Health Editor here at The Mighty. While the movie is humanizing in many respects,some have argued that it goes too far, romanticizing mental illness and equatingit with being cool but misunderstood. In apost on The Radical Notion, a clinical social worker wrote. ThoughAnakin Skywalker exhibitsmany classic symptoms of BPD,its important to highlight that having a diagnosis ofBPDdoesnt mean you are dangerous or will join the dark side.. I am not in any other aspect of my life. Part of the recovery process from a breakup with a women who has traits of BPD is to recognize that these assets are valuable and should not be offered to those who are not equipped to give them back in return. We have been together for just over a year. She has an overriding fear of relationship betrayal. So, so nonsensical and glad im out of it, lol. Contact us today at 1-844-9-THRIVE. A learned person learns how to respect themselves and set important boundaries and this helps both partners to grow. But one of the more interesting aspects of BPD is the fact that because the cluster of personality traits that make women susceptible to the disorder are present in all women who develop the disorder, the behavior patterns produced by the traits are strikingly similar. We are not CON ARTISTS, we simply want love and adoration but we feel such intense emotions that we become suspicious and frightened if all of a sudden our nice guy partner cant be arsed to make the effort anymore. Claire, I had lots of friends and lots of sex. I read a shelf of books on the topic and spoke with some experts all of which was educational and helpful. In fact, a lot more than what we had recognized previous to the time we stumbled on your amazing blog. But recently I have been obsessively thinking about my bpd ex and missing the craziness of her. (Just to preface this question, I am a 47 yr old woman.) Some viewers have associated this period of time with the BPD symptom of dissociation, which is a mental experience that causes a person to disconnect from their present circumstances, thoughts, memory and identity. shawn. I laugh at sex addiction. Is it safe to co-parent? Feel free to email me about any questions or concerns regarding these techniques. Couldnt answer a simple question like yes or no. There was no empathy,no remorse,no emotions displayed when she admitted to cheating or when I asked why she posted pics so soon after her admission when clearly she knew I was devestated she just,didnt care about me. Would she take it as me trying to manipulate her back into a relationship? Likewise, if you are in a marriage or have a child with a woman with traits, even if her problems are severe enough to be diagnosed, using the technique to stop the behaviors is also a viable option. She will have complete belief in whatever emotional state she is in. Mood swings: To an untrained eye, a PTSD response could look like a panic attack, an overreaction, or unnecessary dramatization. | Why dont you REALLY examine the nice guy, and see if hes really that nice. Always relates to her past and fears things I think. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Having said this though she has completely ruined me as a person and i would love to understand how one minute i was everything and now im her worst enemy and the cause of all her problems, really struggling to cope and its more sad to think after all thw torture i I would lower my standards and have sex with people I didnt even like just to not be alone. Our goal is to provide a show that offers hope and help to you or your loved ones with BPD and to answer big questions that others in the field are too scared to answer. | I suspect that describes you quite well. My mom has borderline too, and she manages to keep her relationship standing. Its nearly 5 months since she left, and I am still in crisis and fearful for my kids futures. Ash, thank you so much for your very insightful input on this blog post and the others as well. I honestly cry every time I watch this movie because I feel so validated. She has refused to make any contact with the ministry and her son has been reluctance to speak with her at all. She has since defriended several other girlfriends in our social circle because they continue to talk to me. Am I forever doomed to pay the price for being a Nice Guy? It was very insightful. Based on your last comment, I would say that you are at the end of your healing process. In fact, many individuals with BPD may have Yeah, I didnt do everything right for sure, nobody does, but I deserved so much better. She isnt good enough for that, so will now have rely ONLY on her new supplywhoever the poor guy will be..! So yes, most women with traits of BPD do have an underlying belief or fear that they are unloveable. But it is the guilt and shame that keep them from admitting, once they are confronted on it, that their perceptions are wrong and causing them to behave in destructive ways. I have one question for you though that I just cant seem to find an answer for online. I cant work out and nor can her family . Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition you may have heard of, but perhaps don't fully understand. Its usually a safer relationship with fewer instances of smear campaigns, but friendship generally doesnt circumvent the negative behaviors. We did sleep together after our first date. Its head spinning! Do you know how difficult it is to find treatment? Well guess what people can improve whether people blame or shun them or not. Your husband might not be willing to try anything new at this point, but you can use this technique to regulate his anger and if you write down the suggested language for him, he may be willing to say the words to you that will allow you to express your upset feelings in a less destructive way. Female Anger In Relationships Why Is She Always Mad At Me? I think the most disturbing part for me is how fast her moods could swing. She is a self described loaner who up until about a year ago didnt really have friends (she has one now). They would stay with me as long as we had sex all of the time but I always worried that after the sex they would leave.. Although we usually assume high emotionality would be an asset in a relationship because it motivates loving behavior, too much emotionality actually turns out to be a liability. It falls short though in the ending where it gave an impression they were cured by love. I sincerely doubt you have it or you undoubtedly would be speaking in more sypathetic terms. She also has been diagnosed with Hashimoto thyroid disorder which on top of all of this leads to memory loss, depression, weight gain, mood swings etc. I found this website to be just excellent! I know therapy is very expensive, but even if you can only afford a few sessions, it is essential you get professional guidance on how to navigate through this very difficult time. She probably feared I would end it so she did it !! Jay@skeetersstrength.com OR Rose@skeetersstrength.com. They were symbols of her need to control and denigrate you. I tried to understand and help whever I could but everyone has a point of sorry I wont take this anymore . To my amazement she has turned into what you describe into a high conflict woman. She deserves my understanding and support. Terms. To the men out there who have been in a relationship with a woman with BPD traitsI recommend this website and getting a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy which provides practical ways to get out of our nice guy syndrome. So they arent really to blame no more than a person with OCD is to blame for being over organized. We have apologized to her for anything we did or did not do to meet her needs or caused her pain. This would quickly give way to the merry-go-round, the fear of being left alone. Rob, I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I think Ive learned some hard lessons and have changed, but the article (the way I read it) suggests otherwise. Paranoid Thoughts: Paranoia Everyone has negative thoughts, but paranoia is dwelling in negativity for most of your days. Do you find yourself struggling to anticipate and understand your spouses feelings and the behaviors that follow? .what I didnt discover till a month later is that she had been cheating for at least 6 months with multiplesshe finally admitted to cheating with one random she picked up after I presented evidence but Im sure there was another but didnt have evidence..3 months prior to break I caught her setting naked pics and bedroom secrets to an ex ,she was blind drunk at time so I called her up on it the next day.she denied any knowledge of having done it and when presented with the msg was not apologetic nor distressed she dismissed it as a drunken mistake and that was that..I tried to get her to open up as to why but she refused to discuss it further saying she loved me.. During last 2 years of Rs she became drunk at least weekly and hurled insults at me such as As far as advice, I would suggest you familiarize yourself with my introductory guide to my method and my workbook which are both free on my website. I apparently had no idea about our relationship though she had maintained throughout that she had told him And he sounded like one more of those nice guys when he tried to console me after learning about our relationship and breakupHe said all girls are hard and she is one of themI gave him her number as that was what he wanted and we never spoke againI suppose he tried to patch up with her and may be they are in touch over phone (he stays in the US while her & me here in IndiaI have a few things to clear up though Today she told my daughters grandmother she wasnt allowed to love my daughter. You are definitely right when you say their decisions are based off their emotions that they just cant seem to get past. Another painful thing is she is so nice to her friends and bubbly and I just didnt see any of that!! I also read that this is a thought that many BPD have. However, beauty and charm offer very little protection from toxic childhood situations that leave people damaged. I think the picture painted here of the relationship between people with BPD and their partners is an accurate one. Both nice-guy types and women with traits of BPD tend to believe that the other possesses the same natural skills and deficits. Anyway my questions are- But for some reason we cant help assuming that everyone thinks the same way, our way. By the way I read so many confusing explanations (in other places) about that too where the words are purposely mixed from confusion or to attract Google attention, like she pushed herself against him or pulled the rug under his feet etc. For this reason it can be very healing to read the stories of other men who have broken up with women who have these traits. In the disorder the woman is gentle and laughing with you. They may not believe anyone is capable of selfless giving. No offense but your writing is very derogatory, I was diagnosed with BPD and later on I was rediagnosed with PTSD. Thank you so much for your insight into BPD relationships. things like that which were very frustrating for me. But the person with traits of BPD masquerades as a nice guy (girl) type, and they are often the nice guy types first close relationship with an insecure and abusive person, which the world is sadly full of. Not sure if my 45yr old ex gf has BPD or npd but she cheated on me multiple times before breaking up over what she said was lifestyle differences because my home was too modern,I was to clean and tidy,I didnt drink and her teen daughter hates me.she said we didnt know each other and shouldnt have lived together,that I wasnt who they thought I was and that her kid will always hate me.that she was confused and didnt know what she wanted and that you never know what may happen in a few months. Other times where she would think I was ignoring her, I was met with rage that you would expect from a 12 year old. I agreed to get back together in hopes she changed. I disagree with the nice guy theory. It can be done, but therapists are not trained in these techniques. She has now been home for 2 months. From the beginning things felt a little bit off, she said things like her life would have been perfect if only she had met me years before, non-boundaries, turning up at my work unannounced etc. I tried to make her feel special in everyway but it just didnt seem to register with her thoughts and emotions really. We have three lovely children. Women and borderline personality disorder Though no one yet knows the cause of BPD, it is more common than the familiar schizophrenia, yet less is known about its cause.
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